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  • Writer's pictureCurious Observer


It is torturous to watch the people you love vanish before your eyes. One moment, you are with them, perhaps in the midst of an argument over something petty and inconsequential, or simply lying down in their company. The next moment, they are gone. You can feel that they used to be there, but now, only their memories remain.
The longer you have loved them, the more it hurts to see them disappear from your life, as if they were never there to begin with.
Twice in my life, I have lost those I felt closest to. The first time, I was a pubescent boy with my head in the clouds, greedy for knowledge and burying my head in books. Yet, no amount of knowledge brought back whom I had lost. It didn't make sense to my young mind then. Some might shrug it off as not a big deal, but it was a monumental deal for me. It still is.
The second time was a few years ago. I was grown up. In some ways or another, I was grown up. Yet it didn’t make sense to me. It happened too quickly. I felt so powerless. So utterly powerless. I watched as they slipped away from my grasp. I watched as they closed themselves off from the world, right there in my embrace.
The second time was even more difficult to accept. It took me about a year before I could muster proper tears. However, both instances were so sudden and without warning. It left a distaste in me for people leaving before their time. A distaste for being abandoned and left behind.
I, who have been so enamored with all the knowledge of this world, yet possess very little of it. I, who am powerless against the passage of time and the uncertainty of life.
Since those two times, I have kept them both close to me. Both of them left me in my embrace. And both were in so much pain that I couldn’t even feel bad at first over the fact that they left me.
I do not discuss them easily, nor do I bring them up with anyone. Especially the one from long ago, because it still doesn’t make sense to me. I don't think it ever will.
The agony imprinted by these two times I have been left behind still clings to me. Like my blood and fascia, it crisscrosses through my entire being. It didn’t feel real then, and it doesn’t feel real now either. It just leaves a sense of abandonment inside of me.
It doesn’t mean I don’t have people like them anymore. I do. Even if they are few and can be counted on my fingers, I cherish them more than anything and anyone. Sometimes, even more than myself.
Yet, the experience brought by them and the longing I feel for them, that is so unreal, yet very real, just leaves me unable to stand.
These memories, lying suppressed under the entirety of my being, when they surface, bring me to my knees. I can feel my heart whispering that I am still here, beating, while they are not. My blood rushes through my jaws, my temple, and my neck, all while taunting me for not being in control of my own self. The noise in my head grows louder, all the while I find myself in a void.
So whenever I see myself losing something again, something I have loved and that made me glad to be alive, I become irrational. I forget my boundaries and just gallop around like a crazed horse, toppling whatever I see unfit.
I lose myself to my expectations and do not allow myself to rest and let things be. The worm inside my mind opens its mouth like a wide chasm, ready to swallow me whole.
My yearnings increase manyfold, and I can’t see anything else but what I feel I am about to lose.
I do feel like a child throwing a tantrum, one that will not be entertained. Yet, it feels enough as long as I can hold on for even a moment longer. To see the ones I love, love me back. Showing care for me, like I do for them. Showering me with affection as I do for them and consoling me as I do for them.
Sometimes, our worst experiences can leave us vulnerable to more. They can distance us from ourselves, let alone others. And very few, very rare few of these others will try to close that gap. It is those few that the soul desires. It is only they who can bring you respite, mostly momentary, but sometimes lasting a lifetime.
When you look at life’s final destination, it is always to leave everything behind. Yet, the life inside you is unwilling to let go of anything. And rightly so. I abhor those from the very fabric of my being, who preach to let go of what is dear to us. It is always those conniving thieves, asking you to let go while hoarding all that you left behind. It is they who are the greediest of all, yet they ask you to hate your greed. Your desire to hold on, they sever. And the things that make you human, they call a sin. All in an effort to make you hate yourself for holding on.
So I will hold on. I will not give away my "sinful" thoughts. I will hold on to them. I will hold on to the ones I love, and I will fight to the bitter end to stop them from vanishing from my life. No one will leave me before it is their time. I will not allow it. I may not be able to, but I will control it all. Even if it consumes me. I will keep my loved ones right here, with me.
It may sound unreasonable. I haven’t stopped feeling powerless, after all. I do not fully believe in myself either. If even I cannot have all my expectations met, how dare I hope to expect anything from the ones I love. To expect them to stay and hold on to me, and more so, to stick to me at my ugliest.
I have no right to expect any such thing either. So I will try to do what I do best. I will keep fulfilling their expectations. I will dutifully enrich myself in the roles of whatever is expected of me, to the farthest extent of my capacity and abilities.
But do I give up on them? Do I let go? Not a chance. I am stubborn. I am "sinful." I am a lethargic man who defies lethargy anyway. I will surrender myself to myself. And never again will I take liberties with myself and others. I will just make the best out of me for them and lay myself bare. Even if I don’t get the same in return. Even if they do not want to hold on. Even if they are going to disappear someday. I will fight to keep them beside me. Because I am a hypocrite.

— Curious Observer

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